a visitor comes over

He makes me want to cry, to give up. He makes me weak. Makes me want to be in someones arms, heart, in shelter. I want to leave and not look back, but if I do he leaves with me. I want to sleep, to escape into another world, but if I do, he is still there when I wake up. I want to be alone, but he will not leave me. He is a faithful friend. He is like fire you can not extinguish, like ice that can't be melted. He is the ship half sunken and the flood over which you have no control. He takes every shape, every way, follows no pattern. He doesn't knock, he doesn't wait. He is a visitor that will not leave. He lies in your bed, sits on your chair, uses your shoes, eats your food. He is never welcomed, never wanted.

How come I treat him so well?

He makes me want to scream, but I don't. He makes me want to show the world who's visiting, but I do nothing. I want people to see, but I will not open their eyes. He can't be seen, can't be heard without me. When he comes, when he stays I try to flee. To escape into my little world of pain, my world of self pity, to live in a layer beneath, over, somewhere he is not. I hate those days when Pain comes around, when weakness takes over and the real smile and the kindness goes away.

Sometimes I just have to kick him out, head first. To really live. To not just end up somewhere, to follow the pattern. It's easier if you have that One, that someone to help you. He's right there you know. Other times I end up talking to him in the doorway, stopping him on his way out, like an old friend. Letting go of the things I don't need or don't want can be just as hard as letting go of the things I want.